Operation StopTheSeddie
by ipwnyourmother
Summary: Sam and Freddie have just announced they're a couple; Bewildered, Team Shay unites for Operation Stop-The-Seddie. Spam, Creddie and, obviously, mild Seddie. Crack!Fic.


**A/N: I don't own iCarly. I'm not even going to attempt to explain this. I hate Seddie, Seddie hates me, it's a mutual thing, and Seddie and I are both okay with my mocking the relationship. Still, feel free to hate me for it. Read, review, blow your nose at it, blow your nose in it. It's all good.**

**And, btw, I'm just as scared as you are that I'm actually committing to something that's going to take more than one chapter.**

**Also, it needs to be said, Sam is at least eighteen in this; Spencer is not a dirty old man. Well, he is, but at least it's not illegal.**

**This story is on hold, because I have suddenly lost all inspiration for it. Whoops.**

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The room was silent. Not the good kind of silent, Spencer noted to himself as he scratched the back of his neck. The awkward kind. More accurately, the _very _awkward kind. Sam and Freddie had just announced that they were going to start dating. Or rather, that they'd been dating for a few weeks but were now going to make it public.

Neither he nor Carly had said anything since.

It wasn't that he wasn't happy for them. Except it totally was, because they were freaking him out. Freddie kept touching Sam's knee, and Sam didn't even brush his hand away or punch him in the arm. He stared at Freddie's hand as it traced patterns on the skin of Sam's thigh where her shorts left it bare, feeling completely disturbed. This was _wrong. _And what was worse, Sam was smiling and a fresh blush had crept into her cheeks.

Tearing his eyes away from the nightmare in front of him, he turned his gaze on his younger sister.

He let out a sigh as he realized Carly looked just as horrified as he felt. Her mouth hung open slightly as she stared at her two best friends. Turning his gaze back to Sam and Freddie, Spencer extended one finger and slipped it under her chin, gently closing her mouth. The gesture seemed to bring her back to reality and her teeth gave a little 'click' as they snapped together. "Uh…" She said, "Oh. Right."

Sam and Freddie didn't even notice the strained calm in her voice. A fresh wave of horror hit Spencer as he realized Freddie was tracing hearts on Sam's thigh.

"I'm so glad you're okay with this!" Sam said, her voice cheerful.

Spencer thought he was going to vomit, because that was not the voice of Samantha Puckett. He began considering theories – alien abduction, doppelgangers, clones… Maybe the real Sam had been chained in her basement and this was actually Melanie. All of these seemed more likely occurrences than Samantha Puckett going goo-goo eyed over Fredward Benson.

"We never said we were okay with it." Spencer muttered all but inaudibly. Carly was the only one who heard him – she made a face that seemed to say that she agreed, though it also sort of seemed like she was being strangled.

Freddie's hand stopped moving on Sam's thigh and moved to take Sam's hand. Spencer continued to stare at Sam's thigh for a moment and then tore his eyes away again to look at the two of them. They were beaming. Spencer wondered why no one had ever told them to read between the lines; if they had, what they would have read was 'Holy Fucking Awkward.'

"Well," Freddie said, turning to look at Sam, who batted her eyelashes in a manner that was completely _un_-Sam, "We'd better be going or we'll miss our movie."

At this Carly seemed to get even more upset. "Movie?" She said, "But…. we have to do the show!"

"Relax!" Sam said, turning on her bestfriend. For a moment, Spencer was relieved, because the way she said it was the way she'd said it a million times – it was just like her and, for a moment, the word made him sure he'd imagined the whole thing. Some sick dream, brought on my heartburn or one too many spaghetti tacos.

Then he realized Sam and Freddie were still holding hands and the idea that maybe it had all been some sick fantasy flew away like life raft being popped by a pin. He thrashed in the ocean of Holy-Fuck as his life raft deflated, flying off into the distance.

"We'll be back before it's time to do the show!" Sam finished. Then she did something that made Spencer stumble backwards into the bar, nearly knocking over the computer as he did so; she gave Freddie's hand a little squeeze, leaned forward and said, "Right, snookums?"

He had to fight the urge to make a cross with his fingers and begin performing an exorcism on the tiny blonde girl.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

And then the two of them were leaving the apartment hand in hand and the door was shutting behind them. Spencer stared at the door, his expression a mixture of shock and disgust.

After a few minutes of silence – luckily, less awkward silence, he noted to himself – Carly jumped from the chair she'd been sitting in and shrieked, "I'm not jealous!"

"I'm not either!" Spencer yelled, though his horrified expression begged to differ.

And then Carly ran up the stairs yelling, "Jealous! Jealous! The very idea!"

And Spencer ran for his bedroom without a word, because he was pretty sure if he opened his mouth he would vomit.

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Spencer narrowed his eyes at the sculpture in front of him and leaned onto the kitchen island. "Not good enough." He said, examining the large papier-mâché sandwich. "It's missing something…" He pondered it for a moment and then, "A mouth!" He shouted, "It needs a mouth to eat it!"

He'd almost –but not entirely – forgotten that Sam and Freddie were out on a date. If he focused really hard on painting the salami slices on the inside of the sandwich, he could pretend it hadn't happened.

Still, salami reminded him of Sam and that reminded him that Sam was out on a _date _with _Freddie. _And that made him feel so ill that he'd had to stop painting salami several times to avoid covering the sandwich with vomit. Though, he actually thought it might be a nice touch – like a garnish on top.

He heard Carly's footsteps on the stairs before he heard her voice. She was moving slowly, as if she didn't really want to come downstairs, and when she spoke, her voice was quiet and tentative as if she was hoping he wouldn't hear. "Spence?"

He did hear and his reaction was automatic. "Yeah, kiddo?"

She didn't say anything, but her footsteps sped up just slightly. When she rounded the corner into the kitchen, she leaned up against the fridge. "I think you know what we have to do." She said, her tone very serious as she looked up at him.

"Get a giant pair of lips for my sandwich?" He said hopefully, avoiding the topic she was dancing around.

"No!" She said, grabbing a magnet from the fridge and throwing it at him. It hit his arm and he rubbed the spot tenderly and leaned away from her with a quiet whiney noise. "I'm jealous!" She admitted, stomping her foot. "And you are, too!"

His eyes darted around the room nervously. "I… What? No! What would I be… No!" He turned to his sandwich and flicked a glob of red paint at the salami; his eyes darted around a bit more.

"Shifty." Carly said.

"I fail to see your point." He said, wiping the red paint away because it had splattered the cheese instead.

"You're jealous!" She snapped. "And you know what we have to do!"

He sighed and prepared himself to feign ignorance, though he knew exactly what she was hinting at.

"We have to break them up." She said, before he could get out his not-so-well-rehearsed 'whatever do you mean?' She waited for him to speak and when he didn't she stomped her foot again. "Spencer, it's the only way! They're just…" She shuddered, "It's not right. It ruins our entire dynamic…" She paused, "And I'm jealous!" She added, "And… maybe I want Freddie for myself!"

He arched one eyebrow at her. "What's in it for me?"

She arched one eyebrow at him. "Sam." She said.

He laughed out loud. "Right. Because Sam would take _so _kindly to that. I can see it now – "Oh, Spencer! I'm so glad you ruined my relationship! Let's have crazy wild sex while Carly and Freddie are at the groovy smoothie, just like you've always wanted!'"

He froze when he realized what he just said. Carly's eyes grew wide with horror. He turned back to his sculpture awkwardly. "Sam isn't a prize…" He muttered.

Carly graciously tucked her horror in a file marked 'Things Spencer Has Said That Can Never, Ever Be Thought About Again' and moved on. "We can have code names." She said simply, by way of incentive.

"I'm in." Spencer said; he didn't even hesitate – codenames _and _Sam? It was too much to resist.

"Team Shay unite." Carly muttered sardonically, picking up a spare paintbrush to help him with his sculpture.

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**A/N: That's all for now folks! Best suggestions for other things filed away in Carly's 'Things Spencer Has Said That Can Never, Ever Be Thought About Again' gets my love.**

**Best suggestions for Carly and Spencer's nicknames gets my love, a bad drawing of a sculpture of a sandwich, AND their suggestions get put in the story. You know you want it…**


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